Turning Invisible
“...emotional connectivity remains a core part of being human. We need each other—maybe not in the ways that characterized us evolutionarily, but for a need that remains essential for psychological survival.”
It struck me recently that one of the perhaps less obvious things contributing to a widespread general low mood amongst many, is the dramatic reduction in ‘feeling seen’ by others.
We’re all acutely aware of missing the stimulation and fun of spending time with different people, but during this time of restricted social contact we’re missing out on the life-affirming impact of seeing our value reflected back at us through the eyes of our friends, family, work colleagues and clients.
Throughout childhood our sense of self-worth is created by what we see mirrored back by our primary caregivers. Their ‘gaze’, whether it be favourable or negative, is understood to create our ‘internal working model’ and is what forms our sense of self and our expectations of what relationships are and will be like in the future. So much of our sense of self hinges on whether we consistently received love and stability from our parents and carers, or were met with anger and rejection.
Whilst these core beliefs are formed in childhood, our ongoing experiences of how others view us in our adult years also contribute to our sense of value, both internally and in relation to others.
We are highly accomplished at reading and mirroring body language as part of the social dance of connection but many of these validating cues are unavailable to us right now - this is in part why online meetings can feel so draining, we can’t read people fully and in turn can’t be read. In addition, the wearing of face masks (although vital) creates a barrier to communication and self-expression, so our interactions are literally and metaphorically muffled.
We are used to having multiple versions of ourselves mirrored back at us by those who populate our normal day to day lives, and within those mirrors we get to see how we’re doing as a wife, father, friend, daughter, colleague, employee, volunteer etc.
In the moment of making a friend laugh, we are receiving the message that we are funny, that we make others feel good. We internalise the narrative that we are wanted, chosen, that we have value.
Many of us are working from home so we’re missing out on thousands of real life, face to face interactions with colleagues and clients that help create our identity.
Throughout a normal day, week or month each of these human-to-human affirmations act as deposits into our reservoir of self-worth. However, as things stand currently, the deposits are sparse, or in some cases entirely absent. Without face to face, unrestricted social contact we begin to feel invisible. We start to lose our spark. We disconnect. It’s no coincidence the virtual gatherings have tailed off, there is an energetic exchange that just can’t happen through tech and we’re suffering as a result, our reservoirs are running dry.
what can we do to refill?
We really don’t know what the long term effects will be on the world’s mental health, there’s a tendency to hide when we’re struggling, so we can feel alone when everyone around us seems to be doing okay, when it’s they’re likely hiding their struggles too.
Just the act of knowing why we’re feeling like we’re feeling is helpful. Knowing we’re not alone is also reassuring, this happens through opening up a bit (or writing an article!) Our low mood, lethargy or self doubt is not down to a lack of moral fibre, we are in long-term psychological distress as we are living far outside our natural habitat. Humans need other humans, like fish need water and birds need sky.
While we wait a little longer for things to open up more fully, we can be discerning about who we spend time with, make a point to seek out those who make us feel good about ourselves, and make sure we reflect back what those people mean to us too.
Let people know just how much we miss them, and be specific: I miss our shopping trips together, I miss your amazing lasagne, I miss you dropping by on your way home from work, I miss your daft sense of humour. Not only will you make them feel seen, they’ll likely reciprocate so you feel seen too - be sure to bask in the glory of that reflection - we all deserve a bit of that right now to help us get to the finish line.
Take care everyone, there is light up ahead!
Michaela x