The Psychological Impact of Decluttering
As a Relationship Counsellor and an evangelical declutterer, I am a passionate advocate for the profound psychological benefits of decluttering and organising our homes.
I am a passionate advocate for the profound psychological benefits of decluttering and organising our homes. I embarked on my own decluttering journey back in 2015 after reading Marie Kondo’s ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’. It was indeed life-changing and magical, so much so I went on to train with her and her team to learn the art of professional decluttering. Whilst lockdown meant I could no longer go into people’s homes to support them as they sorted through their spaces, and my full attention returned to my therapy practice, I have never stopped being somewhat evangelical about the power of decluttering.
And of course as a counsellor, I am naturally fascinated by how the ‘stuff’ we choose to have around us, impacts our wellbeing and ability to function.
In my experience, and that of those I supported in their decluttering journeys, delving deeper into the psychological realm of decluttering unveils a profound process of self-discovery and inner transformation.
Beyond the surface-level of tidying up our physical spaces, lies an unraveling of the intricate threads of our psyche, confrontation of buried emotions, and redefinition of our relationship with material possessions.
SURROUNDED BY STORIES
At its core, decluttering is an act of liberation—an opportunity to untangle ourselves from the web of attachments that bind us to the past and restrict our sense of freedom in the present. Each item we possess carries with it a story, a memory, a level of burden, or an emotional resonance that shapes our environment and influences our wellbeing, for good or for bad.
“Things don’t just sit there. They send us silent messages. And the more the item has been neglected, the stronger its message will be.”
These words from extreme minimalist, Fumio Sasaki, resonated deeply, prompting me to listen more attentively to what my own possessions were saying.
Every item in our home has a story to tell, whether it's an irritatingly useless mop that induces cleaning-rage each time you use it, or a cherished orange coffee pot invoking memories of happier times. By listening to these messages, we gain insight into our relationship with our belongings and can make more informed decisions about what to keep and what to let go of.
PROCESSING POWERFUL EMOTIONS
As we sift through our belongings and discern what truly sparks joy, we confront the complexities of our inner world. We may unearth feelings of nostalgia, regret, longing and loss, as well as confront unresolved issues and emotional ‘baggage’ that have accumulated over time. In this process, decluttering becomes a form of emotional catharsis—a release of blocked emotions and a step towards healing. Objects can act as gateways to powerful emotions.
Recently, while working with a therapy client who is processing a traumatic relationship break-up, I asked if they had items in their new home that reminded them of their ex-partner. As we talked they realised there were a number of possessions that held a negative charge and we considered how letting them go could offer healing, by removing those triggers. We should feel no obligation to keep things that make us feel uncomfortable.
Mindful Consumerism
The act of decluttering also forces us to confront our consumerist tendencies and examine the role of materialism in our lives. In a society that often equates possessions with success and happiness, decluttering challenges the notion that ‘more is always better’ and encourages us to reevaluate our priorities. The act of releasing items we’ve ‘spent good money on’ but no longer use, fosters a commitment to being mindful about what we choose to bring into our lives post-decluttering.
LIVING MORE AUTHENTICALLY
Sorting through what we own serves as a catalyst for personal growth and self-awareness. As we sift through our possessions, we gain insight into our habits, preferences, and emotional triggers. We become more attuned to our innermost desires and aspirations, allowing us to align our actions with our true sense of purpose and fulfilment. It can be hard to let go of items we’ve bought that we believed would help us create an idealised imagined future, but in reality, lie unused under the bed, gathering dust. There is freedom and fresh energy that comes from releasing these items that now only serve to make us feel guilty, wasteful, even a failure.
Decluttering is not merely a chore to be checked off our to-do list - as we discard and curate our homes, we create more space and gain clarity as to who we truly are and how we actually want to live.
NEVER LOSE YOUR KEYS AGAIN!
In the nine years since my epic declutter I’ve not lost my house keys once - that used to happen most days having absentmindedly put them down somewhere. According to a NAPO survey (The National Association of Professional Organizers) ‘the average American spends one year of their life looking for lost or misplaced items’. For me it’s not just the thought of wasting all that precious time looking for lost items, it’s how the panic and frustration of losing things can set the tone for your entire day, potentially negatively rippling out into your interactions with your family, colleagues etc. When a butterfly flaps its wings…
A GIFT FOR OUR CHILDREN
My now ten year old was two when I began decluttering so he has grown up with this practice. He understands how to really tune in to his heart to decide what he’d like to keep and what can be donated.
Teaching our children the art of effective decluttering and organisation is invaluable. Not only does it create a calm and organised environment which is great for their wellbeing, focus and self-regulation, but it also instills essential life skills for adulthood. Empowering them to make decisions about their belongings, teaching them to be mindful about what they want to bring into their space in the first place, and how to care for their precious possessions, equips them for running a well-functioning home in the future - an investment in their future happiness.
GREAT RESOURCES
If you are keen to declutter your home I can highly recommend these books to get you started:
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up - Marie Kondo
The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning - Margareta Magnusson
Or these are both great shows on Netflix:
I hope this inspires you to consider embarking on your own decluttering and organising ‘festival’; I’ve never looked back and love living in an organised home.
If you have any questions feel free to comment below…
How to Find a Great Therapist
The other day a friend asked if I could recommend a good counsellor (ethically therapists can’t work with people they know personally). My go-to referrals were fully booked so I wrote my friend an email sharing some tips of how they could go about finding a good one. I realised it could be useful to share these tips more widely as there will be lots of other people out there who are unsure of where to begin.
Top Tips from a Relationship Therapist!
Michaela Murphy PGDip MBACP
The other day a friend asked if I could recommend a good counsellor for a family member (ethically therapists can’t work with people they know personally). My go-to referrals were fully booked so I wrote my friend an email sharing some tips of how they could go about finding a good one. I realised it could be useful to share these tips more widely as there may be lots of other people out there who are unsure of where to begin looking.
When it comes to seeking therapy, thankfully the UK is starting to make great progress in normalising and destigmatising seeking therapeutic support.
Good therapy helps us get to know ourselves on a deep level, to understand who or what is in the ‘driving seat’ of our actions, behaviours, thoughts and beliefs. We may be unconsciously influenced by our past experiences or continuing to use maladapted coping strategies developed when we were young. Once the ‘driver’ is revealed we get to make an informed choice about whether we want them at the helm and can set about making changes!
But where to begin finding that great someone to work with? According to Statista, in 2023 there were 289,000 therapists in the UK - how can you narrow that down to find the person you will sit down with each week, share everything that’s on your heart and mind, and trust you’ll get a transformative experience?
As a relationship therapist myself, I’m sharing my top tips for finding the right therapist for you. I’ve run my Relationship Therapy practice for the past 11 years and have met with hundreds of clients who’ve had a whole variety of therapy experiences, prior to us meeting, from the unhelpful…to life-changing. I believe everyone deserves a professional, trusting, empathic and dynamic therapy experience.
Research tells us that one of the primary factors over whether therapy is effective or not is a good therapist / client 'fit', so it’s really important you take your time researching.
8 top tips for finding A GREAT THERAPIST
1 – ONLY USE RELIABLE LISTINGS
Here are four really good directories that list qualified and verified therapists, there are others but this is a good place to start:
By utilising the 'advanced search' function you can narrow down the search by your specific criteria eg. face to face, online or telephone counselling, geographical location, area of focus (i.e. bereavement, anxiety, relationships, addiction etc), session cost, you can also search by a therapist’s gender if you have a preference.
2 – LISTEN TO YOUR GUT
Now you have created a more bespoke list of therapists who match your criteria, it’s time to have a good read of some profiles and also pay attention to their picture. Does it look professional and like it has been chosen with care or does it look like a holiday snap taken on a night out with a rum and coke cropped out (yup, I have seen this!)
When reading through profiles, notice whether their words resonate / feel exciting / inspiring / reassuring / do they speak directly to the issues you’d like to explore? Or are there parts that are off-putting? Notice in your body and nervous system how you are responding to what they’ve written, and create a short list of the ones that you are drawn to.
3 – SPECIALISED TRAINING
If there is a specific issue you want to explore (relationship challenges, bereavement, addiction etc), I'd recommend looking to see if the therapist has a relevant professional qualification in that specific field or has lots of CPD (continuing professional development) in that area. A 6hr workshop, whilst practice-enriching, does not an expert make! Or they may have worked in your required field in an agency setting. Look to see if they have a specialism in the areas you want to work on.
In my case I have a professional qualification in Relationship Therapy and as it is the sole focus of my practice I have built up a huge amount of experience in this niche area. Where a more generalised counsellor may say they work with couples, check to see they have undergone a proper training; the dynamic of working with two people in the room is very different to working with one client and I would always recommend working someone professionally trained to work in that area.
4 – EVERY BOX TICKED
In the course a therapist’s career we will have discussed pretty much every topic imaginable but that doesn't mean we are experts in all these subjects, of course we’re not! While our clients must feel free to talk about whatever they want, I have concerns when therapists tick every box in the list of areas they work with, as it suggests a level of expertise that may not be there beyond us being trained to hold whatever the client brings. Again, double check specific qualifications and experience. It’s part of ethical practice for us to be as transparent as we can with our clients as they may not be well-versed in reading between the lines of therapy-speak.
5 – VISIT THEIR WEBSITE
Most counsellors / therapists will have a website, and this offers a greater insight into how they work, their areas of specialism, and gives you a better sense of their general ‘vibe’.
You could ask yourself:
Does the website look professional?
Is it clear and easy to navigate?
Do they outline how they work / theory bases (eg psychodynamic, systemic, Gestalt, Person Centred)and what that means?
Have they listed their qualifications?
Are their fees easily found?
Do they outline their terms and conditions of working together?
Are there client testimonials you could read through?
Do you like their overall tone?
5 – MAKING CONTACT
You might feel a really clear ‘yes!’ to one counsellor’s profile (or website) which is great, or there may be a few who look interesting. Your next step is to enquire about their availability and book an initial meeting; some counsellors offer free phone calls or even free initial sessions.
I always send out my ‘Counselling Contract’ for a prospective client to read through, as I want them to know from the very start the expectations and commitment required from them (and offered by me), for us to work really well together.
If this isn't readily offered, you can ask your chosen counsellor to outline their terms and conditions before you meet.
6 – HOW CAN YOU AID THE PROCESS?
Some therapists (myself included) may have a contact form for you to fill in which will ask you the questions we need answered at this stage. It's always helpful if you can outline a little bit about the issues you’d like to discuss, if you feel comfortable to do so, just so we can be sure we’re best placed to help you.
It also really saves time if you can let us know when you could be available for weekly sessions i.e. if you can only do Tuesday evenings it will save us both time to make that clear straight away, otherwise you could waste time back and forth-ing with a counsellor who doesn’t even work evenings!
7 – FIRST CALL / MEETING
You’re bound to be a little (or a lot) nervous. Asking for help makes us feel vulnerable, you may be feeling distressed, anxious, carrying shame, fear but the right counsellor should be able to put you at ease very quickly.
I can't stress enough the importance of honouring how you feel in your body when speaking with your prospective new counsellor. Notice how they communicate with you from the start – are they organised and clear with any instructions? How do you feel when you speak to them? Really notice if you feel safe, put at ease, feel you could be open, do they contribute plenty to the meeting, do you leave feeling a little more hopeful or calmer than when you went in?
I always try to make sure clients leave the first session with some useful nuggets of information relevant to their situation, and with a clear idea of what working together would look like.
After the meeting, I really want to emphasise that if it doesn’t feel like quite the right fit you can choose not to work with together, and book another initial meeting / call with the next counsellor on your list. There’s a relationship therapy saying: ‘if it’s not right for one, it’s right for none’ and this is the case with the therapeutic relationship, I’m going to do my best work with clients who really want to work with me.
It's absolutely right to shop around until you find a good fit. I always give new clients 24hrs to go away and think about / discuss whether it feels like a good fit for them, that way there’s no awkward moment at the end of an initial consultation where I ask if they’d like to go ahead! A decision to enter into a piece of counselling work shouldn’t feel pressured in the moment.
In the past I made the mistake of being so grateful just to find a therapist with availability to see me, I stuck with them even though it was not a good fit! It was only through training to be a therapist I realised the importance of taking the time to find someone you like and that it’s okay to try out more than one before deciding!
8 – YOUR COMMITMENT
It’s likely you will contract to meet weekly for 50 or 60 minutes, although in my case I also offer Intensive 3hr blocks which are more ad hoc. Whatever the frequency, you will need to be ready to prioritise the work in order to make the most out of your therapy. It’s a significant commitment of your time, finances and emotional energy and you will get the best results if you’re fully engaged and prepared to honour the work as much as your newly found, excellent therapist is!
Here are some questions I ask on my website to help a new client feel into their readiness to begin a piece of work together:
Are you open to considering fresh perspectives and discovering new relationship tools?
Are you prepared to take responsibility for the part you play in co-creating your relationship dynamics?
Does the idea of experiencing open-hearted communication feel exciting, even if a little daunting?
Are you aware that actioning change is a necessity in transforming your current situation?
Are you ready to prioritise our work together and commit to it in your schedule?
There is no getting around the fact that in order to alleviate the difficulties you’re experiencing you’ll have to identify and implement useful changes, but we often feel resistant to change as it can feel uncomfortable.
This useful diagram by Prochaska & DiClemente helps us plot our readiness for change and explains the challenges of maintaining change:
This diagram shows us the pattern of change and relapse but where we achieve a place of sustained change (maintenance) we may exit the cycle completely at that point.
I hope the above helps you feel more confident in looking for a great therapist, good therapy is a wonderful thing, and if I can be of help to you in your counselling journey please don’t hesitate to get in touch, I’d love to hear from you.
Masters of Love
I wanted to share an article that is one of my absolute favourites to share with my couples. I love the simple but powerful distillation of research that shows high levels of kindness and generosity are good predictors for happy, healthy long term relationships.
I wanted to share an article that is one of my absolute favourites to share with my couples. I love the simple but powerful distillation of research that shows high levels of kindness and generosity are good predictors for happy, healthy long term relationships. The following article was written by Emily Esfahani Smith (June 12 2014):
Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.
Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will carry them forward to their final days on this earth.
Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book The Science of Happily Ever After, which was published earlier this year.
Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were. Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?
"Disaster" couples showed signs of being in fight-or-flight mode in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.
Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.
John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other. With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects' blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.
From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.
But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.
Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
* * *
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart.
“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder—deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally—damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”
In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.
The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”
* * *
For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married this month—and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not—the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.
"A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it's executed poorly. So appreciate the intent."
When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.
One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.
Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn’t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out. Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he’s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behaviour. The ability to interpret your partner’s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict.
“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”
Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.”
We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.
In one study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.
Let’s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med school!”
Those who showed genuine interest in their partner's joys were more likely to be together.
If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!”
If her partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his buddy on his phone.
In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!”
Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?”
Among the four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather than “turning away” from it.
Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
I hope you enjoyed this article as much as me. If you feel you’d like some help getting your relationship to a healthy place do get in touch
36 Questions to Get Closer
Psychologist Arthur Aron and his team devised an experiment to see if it’s possible to foster increased closeness between two people.
Psychologist Arthur Aron and his team devised an experiment to see if it’s possible to foster increased closeness between two people.
He and his team created a list of 36 questions to be asked and answered by two participants, not previously known to each other.
The carefully designed questions invite the sharing of emotional vulnerability which in turn increases the felt sense of emotional intimacy, as the pair work through the questions together. The research team also ran a control experiment where other pairs were given a list of 36 benign ‘small talk’ questions. The results showed the control group reported significantly lower levels of closeness to their partner than those who worked through the questions designed to increase closeness so it was not just the act of a pair spending time talking together that increased the feelings of closeness.
Without getting too bogged down in the scientific detail, I love this list of questions and have recommended it as a task to a number of my clients and received positive feedback.
If you would like to give this a try with your partner, a friend or a family member here are the instructions and the questions (there’s also a PDF at the bottom for ease of printing):
INSTRUCTIONS
(Please read carefully before continuing)
This is an exercise about interpersonal closeness, and your task, which should be enjoyable, is simply to get closer to your partner as you work through the questions and tasks together.
Below are three sets of questions / tasks. You should begin with Set I. One of you should read aloud the first question / task and then BOTH do what it asks, starting with the person who read the strip aloud answering first . When you are both done, go on to the next question / task in the set.
Go through the questions, one at a time, and please don’t skip any, and do each in order. If you ask a question, share your answer with your partner, then let them share their answer to the same question with you. Alternate who reads aloud (and thus goes first) with each new question.
The exercise should take you about 45 minutes (allowing 15 minutes for each set of questions). You may like to set a 15 minute timer for each set of questions but if you have more time you can extend the timings for each set but it is important you answer at least some questions from each of the three sets.
In order for you both to get the most from the exercise, it’s key you are both discovering the questions for the first time so if you are the person printing off the questions, don’t look through them until you’re both together and ready to go through them (in other words…no peeking!)
If you would like to measure the outcome of this task I invite you to (perhaps privately) rate your current level of closeness to the other person on a scale of 0-10 with 0 being the least close and 10 being as close as you’d love to feel, and, using the same scale rate your sense of closeness at the end.
Okay so you’re ready to begin - start at Set 1 Question 1 and work your way through…
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Remember to rate your level of closeness at the end if you did so at the beginning using your 0-10 scale.
If you would like to work with me as a couple or an individual please don’t hesitate to get in touch,
I’d love to hear from you.
GOLDEN BOUNDARIES
The topic of personal boundaries features heavily in my counselling work. Those of my generation and older were not really taught, as children, the importance of setting boundaries; thankfully in schools today children are given the language and tools to understand and speak about boundaries, in particular around their bodies.
The topic of personal boundaries features heavily in my therapy work. Those of my generation and older were not really taught, as children, the importance of setting boundaries; thankfully in schools today children are given the language and tools to understand and speak about boundaries, in particular around their bodies.
As part of my role as a therapist I have had to develop a clear set of boundaries around how clients and I work together, and these are communicated clearly from the start. They serve to keep the work professional, safe and contained but can also be triggering for some clients, so discussion around this can be a useful part of our work together.
In terms of what defines a boundary, I offer up this simple description: a boundary is the line between ‘this is okay with me’ / ‘this is not okay with me’. The specifics of what this looks like is deeply personal to the individual; what might be fine with one person may not be okay with another.
I believe the onus is on each of us to learn to be courageous and explicit about where our lines are, the naturally respectful person will receive this information graciously, whilst those that persistently transgress end up rather helpfully holding up their own red flag. As the saying goes ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them!’
Brigit Anna McNeill offered up this more expansive description of personal boundaries, some years ago and it has stayed with me:
I lay down my boundaries in love and respect to myself, to protect myself; like golden arms around me. I do not lay them down to offend you. But it is interesting how the edge of my boundaries can show me where your respect for me ends.
If someone’s boundaries seem silly to you, know that it can take guts and courage to make them, and sometimes a soul is so beaten and fragile that the laying of these lines has taken a huge effort, and a journey across dessert sands to find them. Do no try and cross them with force of stupidity, or with the excuse that although you heard them you didn’t deem them important to you. They are sacred golden lines that enable a person to feel safe.
Do not be offended, it isn’t about you, it’s about self love and care. Instead of offence how about choosing celebration that someone has found self respect in a society that doesn’t often teach it.
I love how she describes boundaries as ‘golden arms’. This conveys a precious, protective quality to them. When we’re unskilled in boundary-setting, we fear that by being clear about where our own lines lay we may be rejected or fear that we are ourselves are trying to manipulate the other, bend them to our will. In fact, it’s not about demanding the other changes, it’s about being clear about the self-protective action you will take should they continue to violate your boundaries. You can state your needs in a loving way and invite the other to respect your wishes, but if they choose not to (notice it’s a choice), the resulting action may be you withdraw from the relationship or limit time with them, or no longer enter into contentious discussions and so on.
Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially at the start, boundary pushers definitely don’t like it when we stop letting them trample over us, but it is far easier to police our own boundaries than it is to rely on the other to modify their behaviour. Honouring our own boundaries puts us back in the driving seat of our self-care.
In summary:
Make sure you’re clear on what your boundaries are. Take some time to think about what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships.
Practice saying “no”. Knowing your own limits and sticking to them is an important part of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. If it’s not a full-bodied ‘YES!’ it may have to be a ‘no’ and that is okay.
If you need to set a boundary, be honest and direct about it. Be clear about the action you will take to protect yourself if your boundary is crossed. If you don’t respect your own boundaries by making them explicit and upholding them, how can the other know when they have crossed the line.
Boundaries can be stated in a clear and loving way, the intention is to ensure the relationship is healthy, and mutually respectful.
Take care of yourself. Setting personal boundaries isn’t always easy, so make sure you seek out the company of people who respect your needs and value you for being transparent.
If you need help with setting personal boundaries do get in touch, I’ve helped lots of clients make life-changing changes in this area.
Pace
Commonly, at the beginning of a new piece of couple work, I find myself talking to my clients about pace.
Not always, but often, clients hang on until they are at breaking point before seeking some professional help, and this brings a tremendous sense of urgency to our early sessions.
Commonly, at the beginning of a new piece of couple work, I find myself talking to my clients about pace.
Not always, but often, clients hang on until they are at breaking point before seeking some professional help, and this brings a tremendous sense of urgency to our early sessions.
The hurt, discomfort, frustration they have been living with, sometimes for years, has become unbearable and the desire for a quick fix to stop the pain is palpable. The problem is, just as it took time to get them to this point, we too need time to start working some magic, and this is where setting expectations around pace is key.
The Oxford Dictionary has a variety of definitions for the word 'pace' but the one I find most interesting is:
Pace: a unit of length representing the distance between two successive steps in walking
We often think of pace as being a measure of action, 'he set a fast pace', 'she decided to pace herself'. Fast or slow, in our mind's eye we tend to see the momentum of pace, but here we are invited to look at it as a measure of the space between the action.
I was taught at art college, when drawing, to look at the 'negative space' between two objects, as well as at the objects themselves. Although counter-intuitive, paying attention to the abstract shape between, allows the subjects to emerge more accurately on the page than if our sole focus were on observing only the subjects themselves. My focus as a relationship counsellor is often on the relationship between the couple, the couple dynamic, that which has been co-created.
Paying attention to pace creates a place where the vital interplay between action and quietude sits. To quote Debussy, "The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between them". If music was all notes and no pauses (or all pause and no notes) it wouldn't be beautiful, if running was a fast shuffle, with our feet never leaving the ground, it would lack speed and grace, and if the artist neglects to attend to the space between, she fails to fully convey the relationship between the objects. One informs the other and when the balance is right…art happens.
In order to restore calm to a couple in distress they need to meet in the place that sits between fighting and withdrawing, this is a place of spaciousness, receptivity, open-heartedness. Operating from here allows the nervous system of the relationship to shift from highly activated (or shut down) into a middle ground of calm. Once here, the healing work can really begin.
I often explain to my couples that one way they can reach this place of receptivity and calm is to slow communication down. It’s as if we were watching the ‘film of them’ frame by frame and, initially, I am the one in charge of the TV remote.
As clients share examples of their struggles, or start to lose their cool in the session, I will press pause, even perhaps when a client is mid-sentence, and together we tab backwards and forwards a frame at a time. Slowing down in this way creates space for curiosity; through questions and reflections I show them ‘I’m interested in you, I’m curious to understand your full experience’. I want my clients to see what happens when we talk in this way, and feel confident they too can create a similar pace with one another outside of the therapeutic space.
I might stop the conversation and ask:
‘Sarah, what’s happening for you right now? What’s your body / heart rate doing?’
or
‘When Jim said X it looked like you flinched…what story did you attach to what he just said?’
‘Jim, was that how you intended your words to land? Can you help us understand what your intention was?’
Through being curious we start to bring in more accurate information to the system, this in turn leads to increased understanding, empathy and compassion between the couple which in turn leads to healing.
Without accurate information we can find ourselves reacting to something we’ve misunderstood, and the argument spirals from that point of miscommunication.
You don’t need to be in a therapy session to adjust the pace of communications in your relationship. During a moment of calm agree together that you will endeavour to slow things down if they start to get heated. Commit to taking a breath before you react, and check you’ve understood your partner’s intention, understood the meaning they attribute to the words they’ve spoken. This small change alone can transform your communication style as a couple, but it takes practice, so if you’d like some help to get you started, don’t hesitate to get in touch.
Turning Invisible
"Our low mood, lethargy or self doubt is not down to a lack of moral fibre, we are in long-term psychological distress as we are living far outside our natural habitat.
Humans need other humans, like fish need water and birds need sky."
“...emotional connectivity remains a core part of being human. We need each other—maybe not in the ways that characterized us evolutionarily, but for a need that remains essential for psychological survival.”
It struck me recently that one of the perhaps less obvious things contributing to a widespread general low mood amongst many, is the dramatic reduction in ‘feeling seen’ by others.
We’re all acutely aware of missing the stimulation and fun of spending time with different people, but during this time of restricted social contact we’re missing out on the life-affirming impact of seeing our value reflected back at us through the eyes of our friends, family, work colleagues and clients.
Throughout childhood our sense of self-worth is created by what we see mirrored back by our primary caregivers. Their ‘gaze’, whether it be favourable or negative, is understood to create our ‘internal working model’ and is what forms our sense of self and our expectations of what relationships are and will be like in the future. So much of our sense of self hinges on whether we consistently received love and stability from our parents and carers, or were met with anger and rejection.
Whilst these core beliefs are formed in childhood, our ongoing experiences of how others view us in our adult years also contribute to our sense of value, both internally and in relation to others.
We are highly accomplished at reading and mirroring body language as part of the social dance of connection but many of these validating cues are unavailable to us right now - this is in part why online meetings can feel so draining, we can’t read people fully and in turn can’t be read. In addition, the wearing of face masks (although vital) creates a barrier to communication and self-expression, so our interactions are literally and metaphorically muffled.
We are used to having multiple versions of ourselves mirrored back at us by those who populate our normal day to day lives, and within those mirrors we get to see how we’re doing as a wife, father, friend, daughter, colleague, employee, volunteer etc.
In the moment of making a friend laugh, we are receiving the message that we are funny, that we make others feel good. We internalise the narrative that we are wanted, chosen, that we have value.
Many of us are working from home so we’re missing out on thousands of real life, face to face interactions with colleagues and clients that help create our identity.
Throughout a normal day, week or month each of these human-to-human affirmations act as deposits into our reservoir of self-worth. However, as things stand currently, the deposits are sparse, or in some cases entirely absent. Without face to face, unrestricted social contact we begin to feel invisible. We start to lose our spark. We disconnect. It’s no coincidence the virtual gatherings have tailed off, there is an energetic exchange that just can’t happen through tech and we’re suffering as a result, our reservoirs are running dry.
what can we do to refill?
We really don’t know what the long term effects will be on the world’s mental health, there’s a tendency to hide when we’re struggling, so we can feel alone when everyone around us seems to be doing okay, when it’s they’re likely hiding their struggles too.
Just the act of knowing why we’re feeling like we’re feeling is helpful. Knowing we’re not alone is also reassuring, this happens through opening up a bit (or writing an article!) Our low mood, lethargy or self doubt is not down to a lack of moral fibre, we are in long-term psychological distress as we are living far outside our natural habitat. Humans need other humans, like fish need water and birds need sky.
While we wait a little longer for things to open up more fully, we can be discerning about who we spend time with, make a point to seek out those who make us feel good about ourselves, and make sure we reflect back what those people mean to us too.
Let people know just how much we miss them, and be specific: I miss our shopping trips together, I miss your amazing lasagne, I miss you dropping by on your way home from work, I miss your daft sense of humour. Not only will you make them feel seen, they’ll likely reciprocate so you feel seen too - be sure to bask in the glory of that reflection - we all deserve a bit of that right now to help us get to the finish line.
Take care everyone, there is light up ahead!
Michaela x
Grieving Without Hugging
A close friend of mine is in the early days of processing the recent, unexpected loss of a dear friend.
As published in The Counselling Directory
A close friend of mine is in the early days of processing the recent, unexpected loss of a dear friend. We’re in touch every day and I’m honoured that she’s chosen to share her mourning process with me as it unfolds. I’m used to her being a highly articulate, poetic woman with a well refined emotional vocabulary, but the other day she simply said to me: ‘I’m grieving without hugging’.
These four words have stayed with me. The simplicity of her words powerfully conveyed the additional cruel layer that being bereaved during a pandemic wraps around loss.
I’ve done my best to offer her loving support; but without being able to see her, let alone hug her, it can feel like we’re communicating from either end of a very long tube; the experience feels muffled and unsatisfactory.
So many people are grieving right now, some directly as a result of the virus, others through the normal ebbs and flows of life, but all are united in the isolatory-nature of grieving within the constraints of a global emergency.
So many of our well-worn rituals and go-to places of support are either unavailable to us or much changed leaving us somewhat frozen in certain aspects of our grief process.
What SUPPORT can WE OFFER in the short term?
As we all know, the virus doesn’t care, it has no compassion, no integrity to bypass those facing acute hardships, so how can we hug without hugging? How can we drop round a casserole when we can’t travel? There are no perfect replacements but there are small acts of support we can offer, which add up, and that is better than nothing.
Checking in more regularly with a friend and asking how they’re doing that day is a start, REALLY ask - how are they sleeping, eating, how heavy is their heart that day, what do they need, what plans do they have for the day ahead?
Grief is exhausting. I’ve found phone calls to be less draining than video calls so suggesting a switch to a good old fashioned call might create a more satisfying connection and conserve the griever’s reduced energy reserves.
Royal Mail is continuing to do a grand job so posting a little note or a card or small gift would bring a lift to someone’s day - we’re all craving novelty within the rinse-and-repeat nature of lockdown, so small gestures like these are magnified.
Arrange to eat a meal together online…having said what I just said about video calling (!) I have done virtual dinner meet ups where we sit down to a simple meal (could even be beans on toast) and we chat while eating. If you squint it’s allllllmost like meeting up for a meal - albeit a waiterless, chefless meal where you wash up.
We’ve all become adept at finding creative work-arounds to help meet some of our emotional and mental health needs so you don’t need more ideas from me, but I’d love to hear of ways you’ve given or received meaningful support so I can share them here.
How can We help in the longer-term?
We don’t yet know what the long term impact will be of experiencing loss and grief during these strange times but when the familiar rituals of grief and support are interrupted at the time of the loss, this all still needs to be worked through at some point. We still need our grief to be witnessed, our shock mirrored back to us and our feelings to be shared, even if it’s months or years later.
The grief ship won’t have sailed away just because time has passed, it may just be held in port until the waters feel safe enough to venture out. So while we can only do so much to support our loved ones right now, what we can do is remember to step forward and offer all those missed acts of care once life opens up enough to allow it.
Be sure to hold a more emotionally intimate space for your grieving loved ones at whatever point that’s possible. Offer those unspent hugs with abandon. Be there to welcome their potentially delayed grieving process with open arms, listen deeply, make food, take their kids for a few hours…your care will be just as needed as if the loss happened yesterday. We humans are good at squashing feelings down when we need to but at some point those raw hearts will need some tender care.
I have hope that even though we don’t yet know when we’ll see an end to this challenging time, we can bring all we’ve learned, all the resilience we’ve found, all the gestures of love, the sense of community, the walks in nature, the losses and the the marrow-deep longing for real life, unfettered connection. Even if all we bring into the re-opened world is a little more kindness, this alone is a great foundation for rebuilding whatever needs to be rebuilt.
Go gently, stay well, be kind and please reach out for help if you need it.
Michaela x
If you have been bereaved and would like some resources please click here
Thank you to Tommy Parker for his kind permission to use his beautiful artwork for this post.
My Guest Appearance on Gabs to the Future
I was so thrilled to be asked to be a guest on one of Gabriel Tiranti’s brilliant Instagram ‘Lockdown Lives’.
We covered a whole range of topics including my unusual Valentine’s Day activity suggestion (!), the power of therapy, meditation, the psychological benefits of decluttering and lots more…
Click here to watch the full conversation (Instagram does not make it easy to share content!):